I’ve been wondering for a while, whether or not the discontinuity of my posts would be a reason to give up on the blog. I thought on the contradiction of wanting to share my two cents but hating the idea of committing myself to deliver frequently. It’s overwhelming to see how many feed readers classify feeds on an updates per day basis. The more time passed since my last post it all seemed more pointless. The result: a rolling snowball of demotivation.
Demotivation, a word (is it, really?) that has been following me the past few months. At first, I didn’t get it. I mean, I achieved some of the most important goals I have ever set for myself. I came to Japan and entered a Master’s program, with complete financial support. The thought about staying back home, struggling for a decent job in the middle of this economic downturn, just gives me the creeps. Then why wasn’t I satisfied? I was visiting Kyoto, attending interesting lectures, meeting new people, establishing a healthy routine, but it still felt like there was a big hole. Personally, I don’t believe in whatever it is they call “culture shock”. I imagine people use this phrase because they refuse to understand their new environment and adapt: an attitude which, not surprisingly, gives heaps of negative feedback. An easy way for refer to the sum of these bad experiences would be “culture shock”. I’ve had my share of unfavorable incidents, but the only shock I’ve had, as of today, is how studying abroad opens your mind and refreshes your perspective on your home country.
So what was the cause of my discouragement? I had troubles with those tasks I need to be in a good mood for: writing papers, tidying the room, working on the blog. I didn’t have time to figure it out so I scooped it all underneath the carpet and got the urgent stuff done, with the help of caffeine and good music. It was only in holidays which I could make sense out of it. I organized a two-week trip to western Japan, without being aware how well it was going to suit me.
Each line represents a trail, the dark blue one being the first of these.
It was a good electroshock for my half-hearted disposition. Somewhere between coastlines, volcanoes, hot springs and medieval castles it was clear: I missed the thrill of aiming for something really big. Applying for the scholarship took every calorie out of me, but I did my best and it was a rewarding experience. When all I had were a bunch of papers to do, I guess things turned to be somewhat less meaningful. Traveling helped me find out where I really am and what it means to be here. It was like getting rid of a spirit that’s being haunting you. The whole scholarship achievement had raised the bar and the tasks I’ve been handling weren’t cutting it. Now that I figured that out, I know I have to be patient for the next significant jump.
Then I thought again about the blog. I had promised fate that if I got the scholarship I would give something back, and I certainly don’t want to let fate down. Understanding what had me a little off gave me a new perspective on the snowball analogy mentioned earlier. It didn’t take me long to realize that publishing frequent was unimportant. I don’t have to run a mediocre newsletter in order to make Seeking Japan what it’s meant out to be.
You are not alone in this country. Sometimes I feel the same way, but I compensate it phoning home (¡Skype!) and thinking about the next trip, short or long, but enough to feel my inner hole.
がんばって！